Amal Akrab experiencing Zombie Walk
I am Ihlasul Amal (Amal Akrab), 22 years old. I am a student of the Religious Studies Department at the Faculty of Ushuluddin and Islamic Thought, UIN Sunan Kalijaga Yogyakarta. I come from Bima, West Nusa Tenggara. I am the General Secretary of the Ushuluddin Commissariat Islamic Student Association. I am one of the participants in the Creating Cultures of Peace/Alternatives to Violence Project ( CCP/AVP) training 27-29 October 2023. I am also an active participant of Power of Goodness in Yogyakarta led by Ida and Ayu.
My friend Amazing Althaf told me about CCP/AVP training and he asked me to join him. When I was invited to take part in the training, I felt a bit worried because I was in a situation to prepare an organizational structure of the Ushuluddin Commissariat Islamic Student Association. However, I noticed that this training agenda was very important for me personally, so I took the opportunity to take part by applying for a scholarship to join.
We traveled to Pati by bus. We felt sleepy because many of us stayed up late that night. Long story short, on the road from Yogyakarta to Semarang we were transferred to another bus until Kudus City, for the second time we were transferred to a different bus. The Jogja group arrived at around 12 am and were immediately picked up by Wiwit Wicaksana.
In my mind, Peace Place was located in the middle of the city and maybe the situation was full of motorbike noises. But actually, it is literally a peaceful place, a quiet place with all of the fruits and flowers. I was surprised and happy at the same time.
The other thing that surprised me was not being allowed to smoke around the Peace Place. In our daily activities at the Islamic Student Association office, we are free to smoke anywhere, either during activities or in any room. It feels strange when I find a culture where some people are not allowed to smoke. Ruwaidah told us to not smoke around the school. She allowed us to smoke in the area that is provided in the parking area and outside the Peace Place area.
The next day, from morning to afternoon during training, I practiced not smoking at all. I noticed how Peace Place creates a situation where people who don’t smoke are given a safe space without smoke, and people who smoke are told to smoke in several places that have been provided which means that I as a smoker have the right too. These things are beyond my expectations.
During training activities, I found it difficult to share stories with strangers. This is a challenge for me. Why do strangers want to know my private life? I have never had the experience of telling personal things to new people, and I rarely even talk to friends I have known for a long time.
In the Affirmation session I shared my story with Arief Asyik and I was still not very open. In the Safety and Transforming Power session, we shared many stories one after another. Finally, I had the courage to practice speaking honestly, briefly, without fear of making mistakes. Don’t feel embarrassed and don’t be afraid to share. I saw CCP/AVP activities, everyone easily shared stories, what came to my mind was: “Wow, these people are really sincere in listening to each other.”
So far I have relied on my own brain to discuss and find solutions, not the presence of other people. I never trust people easily. It’s something deeply rooted in my personality. I’m afraid of being betrayed. I don’t want people to use stories about my experiences to share with other people. Sometimes my friends make jokes about the stories. I do not like that.
I don’t easily convey what I think or what I feel to other people, including those closest to me. Not trusting other people has a bad impact on myself; my body and mind get tired quickly, I sleep more often, and smoke a lot. The strongest effect is the relationship with my parents. I rarely tell them about my thoughts and feelings. I worry about burdening them. I don’t want to hurt them. I also don’t want people to judge me for my feelings and thoughts.
I often doubt myself and prioritize others over myself. The feeling of discomfort was holding me back. When people do harm to me, I feel guilty. I observed that such rigid patterns were the result of my upbringing and living environment when I was a teenager. I was adrift, didn’t want to go to school, and was surrounded by a circle of unhealthy friends. As I said, in our friendship we often talk about other friends and make jokes about their stories. I persisted in this situation and had no power to change it, because I felt lonely.
Based on CCP/AVP’s experience, now I find it easier to start conversations with my parents because the CCP/AVP tools taught me to practice communicating openly and honestly. I followed the steps in the story guidance, and practiced being a good speaker. One step was things that I newly understood ; another step was support I got from others. The tools we learn in one session build on what we learned in earlier sessions. The tools support us in finding a rhythm of order within ourselves. We can flow and be honest, and it naturally makes me feel like a complete human being. I felt the effect of telling stories: realizing the power of good in myself.
I speak honestly, briefly and do not talk about other people, which is a tool to restore the function of feelings in my heart. I cannot explain how ideal the tools in CCP/AVP training are. At first I felt that this activity was too excessive and showed our weaknesses, but then I was hit by the reality of what happened, it turned out that I found my most authentic self in three days of training at Peace Place Pati.
I know that I grew up in a circle of family and friends where it was very difficult to appreciate and validate the painful stories and complicated psychological experiences. My neighborhood is very judgmental and doesn’t care about their young people’s growth. We don’t have any skill or knowledge to meet other religions and cultures. Our culture is rigid so it is easy to discount other people’s feelings and emotions.
I want to practice Transforming Power in my daily life. For me, transforming power helps me to be balanced and fair. In the first step we explore stories of violence,and then stories of non-violence and we end it with stories of the transforming power. I need to find opportunities without violence. There is the potential for violence all around us, but we choose not to use violent power there.
Dear self, don’t feel bad because other people don’t know how you feel. Being tough on others may seem fun but has no benefit for you or others. This trait is self-defeating. I’m still figuring out how not to hurt myself. Many people pretend to be good. I personally am good with other people, I make the best of it. But I’m afraid of them hurting me, and I’m more afraid that I’ll be meaner. I have to practice transforming power.