By Ainun & Petrus
Ainun, Goodness Poster ,July 2023. Peace Place Pati, Photo by Nanik
Hello, I am Ainun Jamilah, a student of Islam and Gender Studies in State Islamic University Sunan Kalijaga Yogyakarta. I wear a hijab and veil as part of my identity. I am excited to join the Creating Cultures of Peace Training in Peace Place Pati because I heard stories from my friend, Ruwaidah. Previously, I attended the Power of Goodness mini-Workshop in Yogyakarta and I felt that it was excellent. It was like drinking water from a glass, the training content filled me with everything I needed to move toward sustainable healing.
Here at Peace Place, it feels like being reborn. In three days of training, there were many things in my mind that were still painful. Even though I have vowed many times to recover, in reality my body and mind still needed time to heal.
We start with stopping and remembering a moment when you felt like you were yourself. Then, describe the feeling with your non-dominant hand. My left hand is my dominant hand, so I started with the right hand.
At first, I doubted my right hand. Surprisingly, my right hand can do its job quite well. My right hand can draw and write the letters that form a word neatly. Suddenly I felt touched by it. An emotion rose in my heart, something like guilt and surprised. It seems my right hand can draw and write neatly. After that, I kept apologizing for doubting its ability. Unconsciously, this activity becomes a trigger for me. I am remembering old wounds; memories that I almost never thought of at all.
It was the worst childhood experience. It happened when I was in first grade. I had a traumatic experience regarding the use of my left hand. Most of the children in my school used their right hands to draw and write. My teacher forced me to write with my right hand. One day, my teacher tied my left hand to the bench. Then he forced me to do the math exercise with my right hand. At that time I had no power to refuse. I felt embarrassed because this was witnessed by all my friends in class. As my tears continued to fall, I tried as much as possible not to make a sound. Even though in my heart, I screamed loudly, “Help me, Mom!” But I was too shy to do it. Physically, my teacher did not hit me, but his actions really destroyed my feelings.
As I write down this experience, I still feel that hurt feeling. During the reflection session, I could not hold back my tears, and started crying. Finally, I was able to accommodate the sound I was trying to suppress. I felt I could now do what I could not do back then. Nanik, as my companion, allowed me to step aside from the circle of friends. There, I took time to drain the emotions with a pretty loud sob, while repeating, over and over, the magic words in my heart: “Crying is a sign of healing since it is a way to release emotions and is not a sign of being harmed”.
I feel considerably better now that I have processed this training. I am capable of managing each aspect of my relationship with myself, the past, present, and future separately. That way I can be confident. At least when the pain comes, I have a lot of ways to release my emotions and treat them. It all comes from the tools given during a training session with the theme “Life without Violence” at Peace Place Pati, Central Java.
Best wishes to people who are involved in these good endeavors,
Ainun, a veiled woman who feels indebted to all of you.
Ainun and Petrus